Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
