I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
