My nipple is on Facebook.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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