i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
