Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
