based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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