can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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