So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
