woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
