the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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