I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize