Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
