Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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