I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
