Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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