If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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