Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
