you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
