"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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