the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
