I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize