I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
