update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
