My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
