The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
