i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wear drunk well.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
