everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize