Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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