There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
