I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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