I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
