I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
