I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
