i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
