i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
