Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
