Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
