you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
