I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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