I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
