mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
