Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
