i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i came on her dog
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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