i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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