dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
