You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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