I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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