also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
