dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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