proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
