Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
