They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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