dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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