Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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