I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Randomize
