I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
