you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
