our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
