Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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