Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
